MURPHY’S LAW

   After the practice round we held the annual drawing of the teams.  We welcome four new members and one returning member to the fold.   Our new members are Dee Woodward, John Doherty, Liam Murphy and Ed O’Brien.  I guess since Dan Murphy left last year, it was necessary to bring in Liam to maintain the required number of Murphy’s in the League.  Just like the Irish however, not to be outdone, the O’Brien’s brought in a third to keep ahead of the Murphy’s.  Come to think of it we also let in a Doherty.  How the heck did Dee get in?  (Oh yeah, she’s friendly with the President)  As for our returning member we welcome back Jim Dwyer, who decided to return upon hearing that Bill Driscoll won’t be back. 

If you read the revised rules, you will note two of the major changes that the tweaking committee came up with over the winter.  First is that the number of strokes you will receive or give up will be adjusted by 80%.  To explain this in the simplest way possible, if the lowest handicapper on the card has a 10 handicap, the second has a 15 and the other two have a 20, the number of strokes the 15 handicapper gets is 4 (15 - 10 = 5 x 8% = 4).  The 20 handicappers get 8 strokes (20 – 10 = 10 x 80% = 8).  The card will be spotted in this manner.  (Good luck George!)  The second big change is how we treat no shows.  We suggest you review this in depth.  If your partner doesn’t show you are also playing for him.  Talk about pressure.  If the team you are playing fails to show up, a blind draw is held after golf.  This blind draw system will also be used when you are playing the dummy team.  You should also note that when you are absent the most points you can receive is 4.5 for 3 weeks and then 0 points on misses above that.  You can now see why this is Danny D’s last year as handicapper!  One final note, we will allow the use of distance measuring devices in matches as allowed under USGA Rule 14-3.    

 THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH!

 We bet you thought the circus was in town when you drove into the parking lot last week!  In reality, that is the corporate tent that is being put up for our Club Championship in August!  Demand for tickets has been beyond all expectations.  That brings us to the subject of who would our members chose to have as there corporate sponsors if given the chance.  For example, would Dennis choose Ivory Snow?  (We know he isn’t 99.44% pure!)  Cazoo could be sponsored by the National Cattleman Beef Association.  You know, it’s what for dinner, lunch, breakfast, desert, etc.  We’re pretty sure Budweiser has Barry under contract for the next 20 years.  We hear the O’Brien’s and the Murphy’s teamed up to promote Irish Spring soap; that is except for Ed who refused to relinquish his Guinness contract.  Matt and Mark naturally will be chewing Doublemint gum.  (We heard they had the Coors contract locked up but they couldn't leave the Coors twins alone!)   Frankie McCann has the Levi’s contract sewn up much to the chagrin of Dick Pais who had to settle for Wrangler.  (Don Hodgkins got OshKosh B’Gosh!)  Dave Nicholson will be on an upcoming episode of “Without a Trace.”  Tony Gagnon will be peddling “Dorf on Golf”.  Bob Majeau is not only a client, but the President of the “Hair Club for Men”.  Charlie Marcou will be singing “Viva Viagra”.  And finally, we all know who wrapped up the Eddie Bauer contract.  That’s right, Dan Crowley! 

 With the All Star game held last Tuesday, the Editor’s of Foreplay thought it would be a good idea to predict some of our year-end award winners.  First we feel that Dee Woodward has the inside track for Rookie of the Year.  First, Liam Murphy and John Doherty don’t have enough plate appearances to qualify.  Ed O’Brien was in the running until he almost hit the 9th green from the 10^th tee last week.  We think he learned that shot from his partner Tony.  Our prediction for most valuable player is Dick Pelczar since if he wasn’t on the league; someone else would have to be Joe Kennedy’s partner!  Naturally our comeback player of the year is Jim Dwyer, since he wasn’t on the League last year and he “Came Back” this year!  (Some are just obvious!)  Our "go away" player of the year would therefore have to be Bob Gorey who has apparently broken his foot.  According to Theresa, he doesn’t know how he did it but we have it from a reliable source that it involves his partner Cazoo, a 24 cubic foot freezer, a Ford 250 and the Hilltop Butcher shop.  And finally for the 35^th consecutive year we will have no winner of the Sportsman of the Year award.  

I SHOT AN ARROW IN THE AIR!

Many times the Editors of Foreplay have stories related to them of things that happened on the course that could be considered “Newsworthy”.  Most of the time, they are dismissed or given the same treatment as the Reader’s Digest “Laughter is the Best Medicine” snippets.  In other words, if there is room, we’ll sneak it in.  This story however merits front page treatment.  Last week, Dave Hatherley was set to tee off on the 6^th hole, you know, the one over the wetlands.  Taking his trusty six iron, Dave swung mightily, like Casey at the Bat.  Unlike Casey, Dave did not miss, however perhaps he hit a bit too much ground as the ball, followed by a divot went soaring into the wetlands.  What’s so unusual about that you ask?  Well, after the ball and the divot, the head of Dave’s six iron also went flying, only to sleep with the fishes.  Muttering about his lot in life, Dave proceeded to drop zone near the green.  Looking down, Dave sees a huge circle with writing and an arrow pointing across the green towards the pin.  “How nice those boys at Merrimack are.” Dave thinks aloud, “They put a directional arrow to help me get up and down!”  Dave properly makes his drop, snuggles a chip up tight and makes the putt for a four.  Proud as a Peacock, Dave relates the story after the round ad nauseam to anyone who would listen.  Of course that’s when one obnoxious member who will be left unnamed, asked Dave if he read the writing in the Drop Circle.  You see, what it said was “Drop Zone by Tree” with an arrow pointing to the tree on the other side of the green.  Dave, the Editors of Foreplay thank you for giving us something to talk about besides “Sausages at the Turn!”   Next week, “Humor in Uniform”

HAIL TO THE VICTORS!

 Well, we managed to dodge the raindrops last week to complete the Club Championship on what actually wasn’t that bad a day weather wise.  Most people thought the meal was great and the beer very wet!  Now to the results.  This year, Skip Kelley was able to retake the title of Club Champion from Jim Haker by shooting a low gross of 74.  This left the door open for Rick Steere to win the low gross in the Championship flight.  Returning for a special guest appearance to take the low net in that flight was Club member, Rick Stanton.   In the “A” flight, low gross was won by none other than Cazoo.  Jackie figured he couldn’t win anything in the Championship flight so he might as well slip down a flight to win a shirt.  (The extra material could bankrupt the League!)  Also in that flight Eddie Bauer won the low net.  We figured that anyone named Eddie Bauer has enough shits already so we’re just going to find him partner for the rest of the year.  In the “B” flight, low gross was won by Steve O’Brien.  We think Steve gets a kickback on these shirts so we appointed Paul Joyce to head up a special committee to investigate the matter.  Steve, you’ll get the shirt when it’s completed, if ever.  Speaking of Paul, he and Barbara tied for the low net in that flight.  The Editors of Foreplay still think Barbara won the tie breaker, but the officers overruled and both will receive a shirt.  Finally in the “C” flight, Dave Moore took the honors for low gross and Ben DiCenso won low net.  We will obtain all the winners sizes at the end of the year.  The reason we wait Jackie, is because some members could go up a size by then!  On a final note, Jackie had the low net of the tournament, making a few members a little happier, including the Editors of Foreplay!  Thanks go out to Lynette who did most of the work organizing the prizes and meal and also to Robin who insured the handicaps were updated in time to get the foursomes out as quickly as possible.   

ONE LESS LEFTY

In case you have not heard, next week will also be Frank McCann’s last week with the League.  Frank has accepted a position in Florida and reports on the 29^th.    Frank has been a great member for many years and will be missed.  We do however question his priorities as he is leaving just as the Playoffs are starting.  Frank stated that he sort of felt a little bad for his partner Jim Haker, but then he figured that a former Club Champion doesn’t need any help to win it all.  Jim’s response was “Good riddance. There was a lot of dissention on this team.  That guy was worse than Manny!”  Sour grapes if you ask us!

You’ve all heard the golf media ask “What will Phil do next?” regarding Phil Mickelson’s devil-may-care attitude to the game.  Well, we ask the same question of Tony Gagnon.  Last week, standing on the temporary 11^th tee, Tony proceeded to take a mighty blow and put the ball into the bunker on the yet to be completed 10^th fairway.  For all you golf purists, what is the rule for that?  Fortunately Skip Kelley, our resident expert on the local rules was there to sort out the problem.  Since Tony hit it into a “future bunker” it results in the seldom used “future penalty”.  What this means is that once the 10^th hole is completed and the bunker is in play, Tony’s opponent, Jim Dwyer, can call a 2 stroke penalty on Tony whenever he needs it.  Last hole of the playoffs, all square, Tony putting for the win.... not so fast!!!   Next week, we will cover the rule when you hit it into the hole of an unfinished green!

Congratulations are in order for our Regular Season Champions in each of the Divisions.  In the “A” Division, the team of Kelley and Steere coasted to a 5 point victory. The team of McCann/Noonan and Haker earned a first round bye.  In the “B” Division the team of Pais and Majeau finished ahead by three points to win that Division while Wands and Collins snuck in with a bye by a half point.  The “C” Division turned out to be the closest race as the team of Kennedy and Pelczar held off the challenge of Joyce and Callahan to win by a half point.  Finally in the “D” Division, the team of Kelledy and Lambert ran away with the title.  JoAnn Johnson and Karen Murphy earned the right to play the Dummy team and automatically advance to the quarter finals.  Good luck to all teams in the playoffs tonight.

THE SWEET SIXTEEN!

The preliminary matches are over and we are now left with 16 teams on the road to the finals.  Last week in the “A” Division, the team of Dalton and Bauer defeated Bob Gorey and Cazoo on the 1 playoff hole.  In the other match in that Division, Dwyer and Mark Silva bested Norton and Morrill 4 + 2.  In the “B” Division, the team of Higgins and Plouffe defeated Beauchain and Daszkiewcz 3 + 1.  In the other “B” Division match, Hodgkins and Marcou defeated Matt Silva and Chan 1 up.  IN the “C” Division, Snow and Woodward defeated Hatherley and Moore 4 + 2.  Also, the team of O’Sullivan and DiLorenzo beat Crowley and Nicholson 3 + 2.  The last match in this Division saw the team of O’Brien and DiCenso sneak by Joyce and Callahan 2 up.  In the “D” Division, John Doherty, playing without partner Liam Murphy took on the team of Ed O’Brien and Gagnon and managed to squeak by with a 1 up win.  Also in this Division, Lynette O’Brien and Theresa Gorey defeated McLane and McKenzie 3 + 2.  Finally, Johnson and Karen Murphy moved on by forfeit over the Dummy team. (We always know those dummies would fold in the playoffs).

THE ELITE EIGHT!

The second round matches are history and we now are down to eight teams left on the road to the finals.  The “A” Division matches proved to be the most exciting.  The team of Noonan and Haker managed to eke out victory against Mark Silva and Dwyer on the first playoff hole.  Upstaging that match was the other “A” Division match where Dalton and Bauer defeated Kelley and Steere on the second playoff hole.  In the “B” Division the team of Higgins and Plouffe bested Pais and Majeau 4 + 3.  Also in that Division, Jack Collins and Charlie Marcou squared up, each without their partners, with Jack prevailing 2 + 1.  In the “C” Division the team of Kennedy and Pelczar bested the team of Snow and Woodward 3 + 1.  In a minor upset, Steve O’Brien, playing without his partner Ben, defeated the team of O’Sullivan and DiLorenzo 2 + 1, once again proving that the Irish and the Italians will never make good allies!   Finally in the “D” Division, the defending champs, Kelledy and Lambert marched on with a 1 up victory over the rookie entry of Doherty and Liam Murphy.  In the last match, the team of Johnson and Karen Murphy topped Lynette O’Brien and Theresa Gorey 3 + 2.  Remember all the playoff matches will be held on the front nine tonight and we will draw after the matches to see which teams will face of in the semi-finals.   

   We can now congratulate our individual Division winners.  In the “A” Division, Rick Steere squeaked by with a half point victory over Cazoo, who didn’t even bother to show up!  In the “B” Division, Dick Pais took the honors by 4.5 points over Barbara who also didn’t show up.  We are sensing a trend here!  In the “C” Division,

Paul Joyce snuck by Dave Hatherley who did show up by 1.5 points.  Finally in the “D” Division, Robin Lambert finished 2 points ahead of former partner JoAnn Johnson.  JoAnn will have her chance for revenge in the team matches this week.

THE FINAL FORE!!