DO I GET A BOWL OF SOUP WITH THAT MEMBERSHIP?

                                                                               
    The North Shore Golf League wishes to welcome five new members to the league.  The invasion from the North continues with Steve DuPont and Christine Fernald trekking down from the Live Free or Die State, although Nashua really isn’t in New Hampshire Christine.   We would also like to welcome Jim Haker, who has been a club member for a few years as well as Rick Steere who has no past affiliation that we know of.  Finally the league welcomes Steve Marino of all people, who apparently has taken up golf in his retirement.  He has been teamed with Christine, to whom the League will issue a years supply of earplugs

ANOTHER SENIOR MOMENT!

    The Editors of FOREPLAY pose the following question.  What league member used to be in charge of the entire large case program in the New England District, responsible for hundreds of employees and billions of dollars in tax revenue?  Here’s a hint.  This individual, whose mind was once sharp as a tack, since retiring has difficulty remembering to place two closest to the pin markers down on the 4^th hole.  Need another hint?  She is the one who, as reading this article is preparing to rip the ears off the Editors of FOREPLAY!  In this individuals defense, last week was the first of what is to become a weekly closest to the pin contest in our league and we can forgive this individual’s transgression in forgetting last week.   If you missed the flyer, each week, the closest to the pin in each Division on the 4^th and 16^th holes will receive a sleeve of balls.  The first group out on each side will place the markers on those holes, and the last group will pick them up.  (That would be you PJ.)  Last week only Charlie Marcou won as no one in the C Division hit the green on 16 and no one at all hit the 4^th green!  For that reason alone we can forgive Mary but we also forgive her so she will stop hitting the handicapper’s van with her 5 iron!

WWW.SHITISLICEDAGAIN.COM

                                                                              
    We are pleased to announce that the NSGL has moved to cyberspace!  As far as we know, we are the first League in the Country to have a site on the Internet.  Even if we’re not the first, we are going to take credit for it.  Those of you with Internet access can visit our site at www.diamondbrain.com/lynda/nsgl/nsgl.htm.   On it you will find the schedule, FOREPLAY, as well as the team and individual standings.  It should be noted that on weeks where the handicaps get updated, the site might not be updated until late in the week.  Also, this is a work in progress, so don’t rely on the site being completely accurate.  

  Jim Haker has to be the worst name for a golfer.  Moore Joyce as a team name is something we can do without.  Never sit in front of Steve Marino at the movies.  We have to get Ralph and Norton together as a team. To Skip Kelley would be rude.  Why are Stanton and Steere Ricks and all the others Dicks?  How many of you never had problems with a Casazza product?  It you Pat Keane would he purr?  Wasn’t DuPont a paint or something?  How many of you honestly think Woody’s middle name is Woodpecker?   Isn’t Terry Gorey something you get at a Chinese restaurant? 

A MOMENT OF SILENCE PLEASE

                                                                              
   Last week, unknown to most of the League, we had what amounted to a tragedy out on the course.  It seems that Phil, while driving his golf cart on the sixth hole, inadvertently ran over a chipmunk.  Fortunately Phil was playing with three of our well-trained CI agents.  The chipmunk was severely injured yet clinging to life.  Dave Butka, the very large guest agent playing in the group, immediately tried to revive the poor fellow by performing CPR.  That failed when he almost swallowed the victim.  Quick thinking Tom Demeo tried to use the battery cables on the golf cart as a defibrillator.  This plan failed when after tearing apart the cart, he realized that the battery was direct current and everyone knows that a chipmunk can only be revived using alternating current.  Finally Chuck Blackmore realized the futility of the situation and made the decision to pull the plug by performing euthanasia with a twenty pound stone.  A makeshift memorial has sprung up on the site.  The League has ruled that Phil has to attend golf cart traffic school over the winter to avoid the penalty of being Chuck’s partner next year.   Charlie Marcou is the instructor

   You may have noticed that it’s been a bit quieter around here the last few weeks.  In addition, the pace of play has sped up.  It seems that our illustrious treasure has been among the missing.  Our investigative reporters have discovered where PJ has been recently.  Apparently he was camped out at Crystal Springs so he could be at the front of the food line at last week’s ANSC tournament.  He also was on the phone with the caterer to insure there would be extra food he could take home to last through the harsh Dedham winter.   Have no fear; he is here tonight so get ready for an enjoyable evening of being berated by Paul.

   This week the news has centered on the ghoulish freezing of Ted Williams’ body.  One popular theory is that his son wants to be able to sell his DNA for his own personal gain.  Ever sensing the opportunity to make a profit for the League, Paul Joyce called the officers of the NSGC together to discuss the possibility of freezing some of our members upon their demise.  For example, we could freeze the Club Champion, however if it costs $120,000 to freeze Ted Williams, how much would it cost to freeze Bill Neary?  (We hear they charge by the pound).  It may be cheaper if Jim Dwyer won, but no one wants a lefty’s DNA.  We could of course freeze just the head of the champion, but then if Cazoo happened to win, we still would be short of cash.  Then we thought we could freeze selective parts of our members.  For example we could freeze Driscoll’s left foot, which is the one he uses to kick the ball out of the rough.   A suggestion was made to freeze Steve Marino’s mouth, but we wanted it done now, not after he passes!  With the Silva’s gone we lost our chance at a two for one special but we might be able to get the same deal with Chuck and Tom since, coming from CI, we know they each have half a brain.   We thought about Johnny O’, but decided that would be a waste since the man is immortal anyway.  We finally decided on freezing Skip Kelley since he would write it off anyway.  See you in the year 2525 Skip!  

AND THE WINNERS ARE:  

   On probably the best weather day of the year, last week’s Club Championship lived up to it’s billing as the best tournament of the year.  For the third straight year, Bill Neary defended his Championship by shooting a 69, the best total we’ve ever had in the event!  Jim Dwyer, who played Bill tough for 15 holes won the Championship flight low gross with a 77.  Visiting Club member and former League member, John Medeiros won the Championship flight low net with a net 63.  In the A flight, Charlie Beauchain turned in an excellent score of 85 to win the low gross with Paul White and Bill Noonan tying for low net with net 67s.  In the B flight, Bill Driscoll took the low gross with an 86.  Steve Shorock took the low net with a net 66.  This time he was able to do it on his own without relying on partner Mark Bernard.  In the C flight Joe Kennedy and Dick Kelledy tied for low gross with a score of 102.  This allowed Special Needs Agent Chuck Blackmore to sneak in with the low net of 67.  Finally, in the D flight, newcomer Christine Fernald grabbed the low gross with a 107 while Lynette Richards, fresh off the World Candlepin Bowling Tour, won the low net with a net 67.  Again, thanks to Mike, Kevin, George and the boys at Merrimack for making the day enjoyable for all and also Cazoo for tallying all the scores.  Now you can all go back to giving putts, of course, only if you want!

HAIL TO THE VICTORS!  

   Tonight we begin the real season, otherwise know as the playoffs, with the preliminary rounds.  First we would like to congratulate the winners of the regular season races.  In the A Division, the team of DuPont and Anderson won going away finishing 11.5 points ahead of their nearest competitors.  In the B Division, the team of DiLorenzo and Haker won a very tight race by the slim margin of one point over the team of Teed and Demeo.  In the C Division, the team of Driscoll and Plouffe took the crown holding off a late charge by the team of Keane and Crowley.  Finally in the D Division, the team of Callahan and Collins won in a landslide of 9 points over their nearest competitors.  All the champions will be richly rewarded at the year end banquet.  Finally good luck to all teams in the playoffs tonight.

THE SWEET SIXTEEN  

   If last week was any indication, this year’s playoffs should prove to be the most exciting ever.  Three matches last week went to extra holes while another went down to the last hole.  In the A Division, our reigning champs of Bill Neary and Bob Gorey defeated Cazoo and Sammy Sahagian on the second playoff hole.  Cazoo had a five foot putt to halve the second playoff hole, but realized he was hungry so decided to miss and go out to eat.  In the other A Division match, the team of Kelley and McCann defeated Norton and Howell 1 up.  Frank had one of his best rounds of the year indicating that the lack of a softball tournament this year has allowed him to concentrate on his golf game.  In the B Division, the team of Beauchain and Noonan defeated Snow/White on the first playoff hole.  The Cinderella story is over!  In the other B Division match, Marcou and Wands defeated Rick Steere, who was without his partner Dick Pais 4 + 2.  Apparently Dick is boycotting the playoffs since he couldn’t be teamed with his favorite partner Bill Driscoll.   In the C Division the team of Bo Lynch and Joe Kennedy beat the team of Dave Moore and Paul Joyce on the first playoff hole.  We’re sure everything was cordial in that match with the likes of PJ and Joe participating.  In the other C Division match, Mr. President and partner Dick Kelledy defeated Dick Pelczar who was without his partner Mark Chan 4 + 2.  Rumors that Mark has defected to the Asian tour are totally unfounded (we think).  In the D Division, The team of Ouellette and Johnson ousted the team of Pratt and Blackmore 2 + 1.  Chuck, not willing to accept defeat challenged JoAnn to a no holds barred wrestling match after the round but lost two out of three falls.  Finally, the all-female team of Robin Lambert and Theresa Gorey defeated the team of O’Donnell and Langevin 3 + 1.  Johnny O’ didn’t mind as he said, “At least I don’t have to wrestle Chuck!” 

THE ELITE EIGHT  

   We are now down to eight on the road home.  Last week, in the A Division, the team of DuPont and Anderson defeated Neary and Bob Gorey 4 + 2.  Our defending Champs stood little chance against the onslaught of Mary as she shot a 36.  Steve enjoyed the show.    Also in the A Division, the team of Kelley and McCann defeated Dwyer and Stanton 4 + 2.  The win came with an assist from Danny D. who inadvertently disrupted the tee shot of Jimmy Dwyer on the 7^th hole.  The fact that Danny has 2 bucks on Kelley and McCann had nothing to do with it.  In the B Division, The team of Beauchain and Noonan survived an early charge to defeat DiLorenzo and Haker 2 + 1.  Dan played so bad that Jim was yelling in his backswing just because he figured it couldn’t hurt.  The team of Marcou and Wands continued on their winning ways by beating Teed and Demeo 3 + 2.  Tom was so upset at his play that he tried to hit himself on the head with his driver, but again Danny D. was yapping so Tom missed.  In the C Division the team of Driscoll and Plouffe annihilated Bo Lynch who was without his partner Joe Kennedy 5 + 4.  Bo you know the Joe will insist you would have won if he showed up.  Also the team of Kaplan and Kelledy kicked the crap out of Keane and Crowley 3 + 2.  (Actually that’s not kicking the crap out of, we just like the K sounds.)  In the D Division the team of Ouellette and Johnson stunned the D Division Champs, Callahan and Collins 3 + 2.  We think Ralph threw the match so he could get ready for bowling season.  Gerry also bowls but boasts that he doesn’t need the practice.  JoAnn collects bowls.  Finally, the Rookies, Marino and Fernald defeated Lambert and Teresa Gorey 1 up.  Surprisingly Steve did not talk in the middle of anyone’s back swing making Danny D.’s faux pas even worse.  Good luck to all our remaining contenders. 

THE FINAL FOUR