GOONGA LA GOONGA!

    As is the norm, the practice round last week was cancelled due to “damp” conditions, however the course has dried out sufficiently (as of this writing) to being the season on schedule.  Speaking of schedule, if you picked up a tentative schedule last week, toss it.  The new schedule hopefully is available tonight.  (The schedule makers are having a bit of difficulty this year.)  Regarding the drawing of the teams, there was the usual suspense as Mckenzie and Morgan Snow randomly pulled the names from the official paper bags.  10 members of the B Division did breathe a collective sigh of relief when Dick Pais’s name was pulled.  (Not because they didn’t want to be Dick’s partner).   As usually we have a team of two Dick’s (Plouffe and Pelczar).  Incidentally, 8 teams have members with the same first initial, if you’re interested in that sort of thing. All that being said, our choice for the best team name is Lynch Noonan.

DO I GET A BOWL OF SOUP WITH THAT MEMBERSHIP?

                                                                               
    The North Shore Golf League wishes to welcome three new members and one returning member to its ranks.  (Though there are two returning members, we are only welcoming one.)  Mike Pratt, who we understand can eat no fat, has joined us and interesting enough was teamed will fellow New Hampshirite, Phil Langevin.  Live free or die gentlemen.  We also wold like to welcome Mary Ellen Ledger to the League.  For those of you who are unaware, Mary Ellen is the Boston Territory Manager of Taxpayer Education and Compliance, which carries as much weight around here as one of the Silvas.  Also new to the League is Club member Tom Demeo, a former Revenue Agent who is now a Special Agent.  His job is to shoot Chuck if he gets out of hand.  As for returning members, a hearty welcome to Dick LaPlante whose claim to fame is that he is the only President of the League who had to cancel golf due to a hurricane.  He returns because he can no longer summer in Florida for obvious reasons.  Oh yea, Driscoll’s back by the way.   If you know of anyone who wishes to be a Club Member, the price this year remains $25.00.

SEMPER FI

   You will note that we made no mention of Bill Driscoll this week.  The reason is that it was rumored that his son, who is a Marine, may show up tonight and the Editors of FOREPLAY fear reprisal.

ANNIKA AND KARIE BETTER LOOK OUT!

   Apparently Cazoo has come out of the closet.  He discovered a couple of weeks ago that he hit Ladies Pinnacles farther than any other ball.  Then we find that while in New York, we assume in Greenwich Village, that he bought a dozen Lady Precepts.  Lately he has been experimenting with Women’s shafts and he was seen hitting from the red tees on 10 last week.  Cazoo getting in touch with his feminine side.  That would scare Liberace straight!

MAYBE YOU CAN APPLY FOR AN EDUCATION CREDIT!

   There will be no League play next week.  The common belief is that this is due to the Andover Service Center Outing, however the real reason is that your handicapper needs a break from writing this drivel every week.  Besides, under the new reorganization, Service Centers are now known as Campuses, which means you can play golf and earn your degree at the same time!

MAYBE O’D SHOULD TRY TO QUALIFY`

   Bill Driscoll is looking to sell some tickets for the Senior Open that will be held at the Salem Country Club later this month.  We believe the asking price is $40.00 each.  It seems Bill has to pay for that three-week vacation to Florida he just returned from. Speaking of seniors, Johnny O’ had quite a round last week, taking 6.5 points from Jeff Kaplan, who is half his age. Unfortunately, Jeff’s body ages in dog years.  Speaking of Jeff, congratulations to both he and Gerry Ouellette both of who were selected as Appeals Officers last week.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is now they have to put up with Paul Joyce 5 days a week instead of just on Fridays

WHO STOLE THE STRAWBERRIES?

   Last week, the Editors of FOREPLAY tried to take a much-needed break from the writing of this senseless drivel and what happens?  The Assistant Editors, hereon to be referred to as the “wannabes” attempted a mutiny, likened to Jack Lemon’s portrayal of Ensign Pulver on Mr. Roberts.  After reading last week’s edition, we can better equate it to Fred McMurray’s portrayal of the sniveling Junior Officer in the Caine Mutiny.  Rather come forward and take responsibility, the “wannabes” hide their identity like Fred McMurray did to poor Van Johnson. The “wannabes” alleged that the Editors take liberties with the schedule, take preference with the tee positions, incorrectly compute the handicaps for their own benefit and incorrectly compute the points so that they are always at or near the league leaders.  As a matter of fact, the “wannabes” went so far as to attempt to incorrectly reflect the cumulative totals of the “Editors” however in doing so, screwed up the entire League results, leaving the Editors with the thankless and time consuming task of correcting all the stat sheets.  We do not begrudge the “wannabes” for this however, since that is the Editors job.  What the Editors do take exception to is the accusation that two fine upstanding gentlemen such as Joe Kennedy and Bill Driscoll receive undo attention in the form of criticism from the Editors.  What the “wannabes” fail to realize is, that we only make fun of those members we feel can truly take a ribbing like a sportsman, not someone who would resort to the mutiny shown on these pages last week.  Therefore, it is for that reason that we never mention the name of Jeff Kaplan in these pages.  Captain Queeg, rest in peace!

WHAT’S THAT WE SMELL?

The Editors of Foreplay were wondering what the worst injury a golfer could incur.  If you asked certain members of our League you would probably get different responses.  Rick Stanton would probably say being hit with a ball by Pat Keane. Joe Kennedy would probably say being run over with a golf cart by your nephew.  Danny D. would respond with being hit with a golf club by Joe Kennedy.  If Lee Trevino were in our League, he would definitely say being hit with lightning by God! Well we can add a new one to the list!  Just ask Bob Gorey who after last week will tell you it’s opening a non-twist off beer bottle like it’s a twist off!  Apparently someone noted Bob’s hand all covered with napkins like a gauze pad and when questioned, Bob mentioned his indiscretion. The greatest pain from the injury was not incurred when he cut up his hand but rather from the ribbing he will take tonight after you all read this article.   

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

   The Editors of Foreplay would like to apologize to Madam President.  It seems that occasionally we slip up and refer to her by her non-secular name.  This is akin to calling Pope John Paul II, Stanley or whatever the heck his name is.   Also the Editors of Foreplay decree that from hereon, they be referred to as “Maestro”!  It’s still all right to call Driscoll “Dickhead”.

BOB, IT’ CALLED A “CHURCH” KEY!

   Bob Gorey wanted to clarify how he hurt his hand last week.  He state that he wasn’t trying to open the non-twist off beer bottle with his bare hands as reported.  Actually, he forgot a bottle opener and was trying to open the bottle with a car key.  Bob, that may make the story a bit less funny, however, it doesn’t make you any more intelligent!

AND THE WINNERS ARE:  

   Though we had to dodge the raindrops and suffer through a delay, last week’s Club Championship lived up to previous years in excitement as Bill Neary and Skip Kelly tied in regulation with a score of 76.  Bill wound up defending his Championship by defeating Skip on the first playoff hole.  Skip won’t go home empty handed however as he wins the Championship flight low gross.  This allowed Rick Stanton to sneak in with the Championship flight low net, even with Danny D. mistakenly hitting his ball on 17.  In the A flight, Steve Shorrock returned to win the low gross with Dennis Show taking the low net, benefiting from partner Danny D., ever the team player, hitting Rick Stanton’s ball.  In the B flight, Madam President and Bill Driscoll, ever the Dickhead, tied for the low gross.  Feeling generous, the Club officers gave Pat Keane the low net.  Actually he would have tied with Driscoll anyway, so it was the right thing to do.  Besides, unlike Driscoll,  he’s a nice guy.  In the C flight Joe Tiberio, a South Shore representative, took the low gross with Joe, “I’m sure glad Driscoll is back in the League to take all the heat” Kennedy taking the low net.  Finally, in the D flight, newcomer Mike Pratt grabbed the low gross with Special Needs Agent Chuck Blackmore taking the low net. Again, thanks to Mike, Kevin and the boys at Merrimack for making the day enjoyable for all and also to Jim Dwyer and Cazoo for tallying all the scores.  Oh, did we mention that Danny D. hit the wrong ball?

HAIL TO THE VICTORS!  

   Tonight we begin the playoffs with the preliminary rounds.  First we would like to congratulate the winners of the regular season.  In the b Division, the team of Driscoll and Pais won by a comfortable margin over their nearest competitors.  Everyone is thrilled for Dick!  In the C Division, the team of Lynch and Noonan won by the slim margin of one point over White and Keane.  Paul really knows how to suck up to his manager.  In the D Division, Ralph Callahan, who has been playing the last few weeks without his partner Robin, still managed to capture the title.  The A Division Champions will be determined tonight As the teams of Sahagian and Stanton and Dwyer and Norton tied, and will playoff for the title.    Good luck to them as well as all teams in the playoffs.

THE SWEET SIXTEEN  

   Last week marked the beginning of the playoffs as well as the crowning of the Division “A” regular season title.  The team of Sahagian and Stanton won the “A” Division regular season title by defeating the team of Dwyer and Norton in a nine-hole playoff, 2 up.  Both teams advanced to the sweet sixteen.  In the preliminary rounds, the team of Neary and Bob Gorey held on to defeat the team of Howell and McCann 1 up, despite Bob Gorey pocketing his partner’s ball on 12.  When chastised by the Editors of FOREPLAY, Bob responded with, “Hey, it was a Pro V1!”  Nuff said.  Also the team of Kelley and Teed defeated Cazoo and Mark Silva 2 & 1. In the “B” Division, both matches came down to the final hole.  The team of Beauchain and Anderson defeated Marcou and Dunn2 up.  Also, the team of DiLorenzo and Snow won over the team of Wands and Moore 1 up.  In the “C” Division, The team of Chan and Matt Silva defeated Dan Crowley who was playing without his partner JoAnn Johnson who is on injured reserved.  Dan fought hard, but finally succumbed losing 2 & 1.  The team of Joyce and Kelledy won 1 up over the two Dicks, Plouffe and Pelczar 1 up.  Actually, Joyce and Kelledy could also be referred to as two Dicks.  Finally in the “D” Division, the team of Blackmore and Ledger defeated the men from New Hampshire, Pratt and Langevin4 & 3.  Also the team of LaPlante and Collins bested the team of O’Donnell and Theresa Gorey 3 & 2.  Matt Silva has once again agreed to run the playoff pool.  All bets must be made before tonight’s matches.  As usual, you can bet two dollars on any team who you think win ultimately win the Championship.  Good luck to all remaining teams tonight. 

THE ELITE EIGHT  

   We are now down to eight teams remaining in the playoffs as many close exciting matches highlighted last week’s play.  In the “A” Division, Skip Kelley single handedly defeated the team of Sahagian and Stanton 5 & 4, prompting Sammy to remark, “I think we would have won if Dick Teed were here!”  The team of Neary and Bob Gorey defeated Dwyer and Norton 1 up.  Bob managed to keep his hands off Bill Neary’s balls this week.  In the “B” Division, the team of Driscoll and Pais defeated DiLorenzo and Snow on the 12^th hole with Dick (Pais not head) sinking a birdie putt to put them away.  The team of Kaplan and Demeo advanced by beating Anderson and Beauchain 1 up.  How long can Jeff put the spurs into Tom?  In the “C” Division, the team of Joyce and Kelledy won on the 10^th hole over White and Keane.  Paul Joyce was upset that the match went into overtime since he still hadn’t collected all the envelopes.  The team of Chan and Matt Silva won what was considered an upset over Lynch and Noonan 2 up.  In the “D” Division, the team of LaPlante and Collins defeated Kennedy and Ouellette on the 12^th hole.  We’re not sure but we don’t think a birdie putt won this one.  Finally, Robin Basque made a triumphant return to join Ralph Callahan and defeat Mary Ellen Ledger, who was without her partner, 3 & 1.   Good luck to all remaining teams and remember the individual matches are still ongoing, so make every effort to show up even if your team is eliminated. 

THE FINAL FOUR  

   We are now down to four teams remaining in the playoffs.  Last weeks matches lacked much of the excitement of the week before with all the matches being decided before the last hole.  In the “A” Division, Skip, who was still without his partner Dick Teed held of the team of Neary and Gorey for as long as possible before succumbing 2 & 1.  Our investigative reporters discovered that Bill has already forgot about tonight’s match. In the “B” Division, Dick Pais maintained his remarkable play and with partner Driscoll in tow, defeated the team of Kaplan and Demeo 4 & 3.  What is truly remarkable is that Dick has back problems and still manages to play well even while carrying Bill for 9 holes.  In the “C” Division, the team of Joyce and Kelledy defeated the team of Chan and Matt Silva 4 & 3.  Mark, now you understand why the Editors of Foreplay called your victory last week an upset!  Finally in the “D” division, the team of Callahan and LAMBERT (See Robin, we got it right!) defeated Dick LaPlante, who was without his partner Jack Collins, 3 & 2.  The highlight of that match was Dick holing out from 75 yards on number 5 for a par.  Dick let out such a whoop and holler that most people on the course thought he was hit by a ball!  Good luck to all the final four players tonight.  Also, tonight is the last night in the individual races.