DO I GET A BOWL OF SOUP WITH THAT MEMBERSHIP?

                                                                               
    The North Shore Golf League wishes to welcome three new members to its ranks.  Ed Delahanty is no stranger to the League as he showed up more than Dick Teed and Barbara combined last year.  Gerry Ouellette and Dave Moore also join us this year.  Robin Lambert isn’t new, she just got married.  As usual, we ask our more “experienced” golfers to show the new members the ropes including explaining the format and clueing them in to the rules we all should adhere to.  (Hint to new members, avoid Sam Sahagian for explanation of the latter).  Danny D. will be glad to explain posting scores to our new members as well as anyone who needs a refresher course

IMAGINE IF THE BALL ACTUALLY MOVED!

                                                                               
   Much to the delight of those remaining on the first tee least week, Bill Driscoll teed up his ball and proceeded to whiff.  To Bill’s credit, he didn’t claim that it was a practice swing, he merely hit his second shot straight down the middle.  In addition, Bill went on to par the hole, a fact that he made sure the Editors of FOREPLAY were acutely aware of.  Not to discredit the act, but that is analogous to making a spare in bowling after you have thrown the first ball in the gutter.  (Just ask Joe Kennedy!)  If you can’t relate to the bowling analogy, think of getting sick just after eating your favorite meal.  You’re happy, but still have an empty feeling inside.  (Don’t ask Cazoo about that!)  Now most of the members who witnessed the act chuckled, except for Jack Collins who is ever the gentleman.  In the next group, Jack teed it up and proceeded to whiff his shot!  Jack quietly remarked, “That’s why I didn’t laugh.”  Jack didn’t par the hole.

   Congratulations go out to the NSGL team of Rick Stanton, George Norton, Charlie Marcou and Jack Collins who won last week’s ANSC Tournament.  The fact that Rick bribed the handicap committee before hand to find out what the calloway holes were, had very little to do with their victory.  They each received a very stylish green cap as well as an undisclosed amount of Pro Shop credits.  Charlie bought 10 more caps!

Whatever Paul says

   Watching Tiger Woods win the US Open this weekend reminded the Editors of Foreplay of the similarities between Tiger and our own Joe Kennedy.  It is really eerie!  For example, Tiger crushes 300-yard drives right down the middle of the fairway.  Joe crushes beer cans right in the middle of his head!  Tiger has a multi-million dollar endorsement with Nike.  Joe owns a pair of Nikes. Tiger pumps his fist after making a long putt.  Joe pumps his own gas.  Tiger’s mother is Thai.  Joe owns a tie.  Tiger fired Fluff as his caddy and improved his game.  Joe stopped eating Marshmallow Fluff and improved his waistline.  (Slightly)  Tiger bounces a golf ball with his wedge when he’s bored.  Joe gives himself wedgies when he’s bored.  Tiger had a triple bogie on Saturday.  Joe has a triple bogie every day.  Tiger plays golf in all inclement weather conditions.  Joe watches the weather conditions on TV and convinces his opponent not to play.  Tiger has short curly hair.  Hey! How about that!

   The North Shore Golf League welcomes Phil Langevin to the League.  Phil, whose name was submitted by Bill Neary, will be replacing Bill Driscoll on Dick Teed’s team.  We’re not sure about Phil’s golfing skills, but we are sure it will be a lot more quiet around here on Friday Nights!

   Chuck Blackmore realized he finally won a ball last week.  He asked the Editors of FOREPLAY when does he get it?  Fill him in guys!

   Last week, as Chuck Blackmore was walking up the middle of the 18^th fairway, someone in the crowd, who will remain nameless, commented “There’s a sight you don’t see very often!”  Well the Editors of FOREPLAY began thinking, “What other rare sights occur during League play.  We have only room for a partial list, so here goes!  Mary or Barbara giving a putt.  Danny D. making a putt.  Skip Kelley talking to his opponent.  Bob McAuliffe remembering his opponent’s name.  Bill Neary nattily dressed. Tim Collins nattily dressed in shorts.  (We’re not sure we want to see that)   Dick Plouffe’s left elbow bent.  Dick Teed’s back not bent.  Matt Silva with an iron in his hand.  Mark Silva without a cell phone in his hand.    Mike Lahey with a beer in his hand.  Dick Pelczar without a beer in his hand.  Frank McCann pleased with his golf game.  Rick Stanton pleased with any golf shot.  Cazoo the last one off the tee.  Bo the first one off the tee.  Johnny O’ with a frown on his face .  Paul Joyce with a smile on his face.  Once again, this is just a partial list.  We are always open to suggestions!  

   There comes a time every year when the Editors of FOREPLAY draw a total blank as to what to write about.  At these times we could always turn to someone like Bill Driscoll to brutally assault in this prestigious rag, however he’s no longer in the League.  Of course Joe Kennedy is an easy target, however, there is only so much beating a man can take, even Joe!  (He has been known to hit people in the head with his golf club)   This week it occurred to us that there are certain members of the League that we just can’t make fun of because they are just too nice!  (No, not you Matt).  The prime example is Ralph Callahan.  You just can’t make fun of the guy.  He’s always a gentleman, never having a bad word to say about anyone.  Others in this category are the likes of Dick Kelledy and John O’Donnell.  Well, the Editors of FOREPLAY did a little digging and found out that you can’t judge a book by its cover.  Ralph is really a drug lord and usually plies his trade around Junior High Schools.  Johnny O’ is a pedophile and works the same schools as Ralph, picking the kids up after they get high.  Dick Kelledy produces pornography, usually starring Johnny O’.   Oh all right, those are all lies, but Joe Kennedy told us to write them!  Really!

   Last week’s “Mini-Tournament” went over well, especially after the teams figured out which side they were supposed to be playing on.  We never realized how confusing new score cards could be!  Danny D. has gone to great pains tonight to cut and fold the cards so that even Bill Noonan can figure out what side he is playing.  On the front nine, team #3, lead by the SAC himself, Mike Lahey, took the honors by finishing at four under.  Mike SAC mates included Chae Dunn, Dave Moore and Phil Langevin.  Doesn’t that conjure up quite a picture in the mind’s eye!  On the back nine, team #2 lead by the JAC, (Cazoo), won the event at two under par.  Jackie’s teammates included Maureen Kelledy, JoAnn Johnson and Dennis Snow, proving that having three individuals hitting from the forward tees really helps.  Congratulations to all.  Paul will present you with your prizes when he’s good and ready!

   Last week’s Club Championship was a huge success!  First of all we would like to thank Mike, Kevin and all the folks here at Merrimack for making it all possible.  After missing his tee time two years ago and losing in a playoff last year, Bill Neary was finally crowned Club Champion by shooting an excellent 75.  Low Gross in the Championship Flight was last year’s Champ Dave Bernard who shot a 78.  Taking Low Net in this flight was Skip with a net 68.  In the A Flight, Mary Anderson shocked the odds makers by capturing the Low Gross with an 81.  Danny D. just plain shocked everyone by taking Low Net with a net 64.  The B Fight Low Gross winner was Steve Shorrock who shot an outstanding 85.  Chae captured the Net Prize with a net 64.  Former President Dick Kelledy won the Low Gross in the C Fight by shooting an even 100.  Dan Crowley took the Net in this Flight with a net 73.  Finally in the D Flight, Robin won the Low Gross honors by shooting 106.  Marina who is deserting us for greener pastures, took the Low Net as a farewell gift, shooting a net 70.  Cazoo, even though he had sunk to the A flight didn’t win anything.  He was still happy however, since he got Rich Barbati’s Steak and “Sausage at the Turn”! 

   Last week we crowned the regular season champions in each Division.  Remember that the Individual races continue throughout the playoffs.  In the “A” Division, the team of Bill Neary and Cazoo held off the effort of the SACless Frank McCann finishing 4 points ahead.  In the “B” Division, it was almost a foregone conclusion as the team of Charlie Beauchain and Barbara had an almost insurmountable lead and came in 6 points ahead of the team of Mary and Dick Plouffe.  In the “C” Division, the team of Dan Crowley and Jeff Kaplan hung on to defeat Pat Keane and Chae by 2 points.  Unfortunately for Jeff, he keeps on getting his butt kicked by Chae and is slowly sliding out of the individual race.  Guess what Jeff, you have to play her again this week.  Finally in the “D” Division, the team of Jack Collins and JoAnn Johnson ran away and hid from the rest of the Division, winning by a whopping 9.5 points.  Congratulations to all, however as you all know, now the real season begins.

   Last week the second season began with the preliminary playoff rounds.  In the “A” Division, the team of Skip and Bob Gorey, defeated Sammy and Mark Silva 1 up.  Mark was relieved since now he doesn’t have to show up any more.  Sammy was relieved for the same reason.  The second match in the division matched Jim Dwyer and Rick against George and Woody.  On the last hole Jim sank a twisting 25 footer to tie the match only to go down on the 1^st playoff hole.  Rick is still apologizing for missing a putt on the 17^th hole.  In the “B” Division, the team of Danny D. and Bill Noonan defeated the team of Paul White and Bo, 3 & 2, proving once again that the Handicapper is mightier than the President.  The fact that Bo and Paul were giving their Boss Bill 10 foot putts had nothing to do with the outcome.  Also in the “B” Division, Dick Teed and Phil come in ahead of Dennis and Charlie Marcou, 1 up.  Though victorious, most of the smart money is shying away from these two since neither Dick nor Phil’s back can be expected to hold up through the playoffs.  In the “C” Division, the two Dicks, Pais Kelledy, beat the other two Dicks, Pelczar and Paul Joyce, 2 & 1.  Dick Pelczar makes note that this is the first time he has ever been eliminated in the first round, as if Paul doesn’t feel bad enough already.  Also in this Division, Dave Moore and Matt eliminated Pat Keane who was playing without his partner Matt Chan, 3 & 2.  Matt walked off the course after the match was over prompting Dave to comment after the match that no matter what happens, at least he won’t have Matt for a partner next year.  Someone better explain to him what happens if you win it all!  Finally in the “D” Division, Tim Collins and Marina lucked out and won by a forfeit when neither Ed Delahanty nor Robin showed up.  It still took them 7 holes however.  Finally, like Willis Reed coming off the bench to lead the New York Nicks to an NBA Championship, Joe Kennedy limped out onto the course on crutches to help his partner Theresa defeat Johnny O’ who was playing without his Partner Chuck Blackmore, 2 & 1.  Of course Joe, you know how we all feel about any New York team around here.  Matt Silva will be collecting for the pool tonight (we hope.)  All bets must be in before tonight’s matches.

   Last week provided many exciting matches on the Road to Gannon.  In the “A” Division, the juggernaught team of Bill Neary and Cazoo crushed the team of Skip and Bob Gorey, 4 & 3.  Both Bill and Cazoo shot a 34.  Even the stoic Skip Kelley was impressed commenting “Hey those chunky fellows can really play!”  In what many felt was an upset, the team of Woody and George beat Frankie and the SAC 1 up.  Frank and Mike did break the swearing record for a single round, however.  In the “B” Division, the team of Danny D. and Bill Noonan defeated Charlie B. and Barbara 2 & 1.  Apparently this also was an upset judging by the incredulous reactions of the league members when the results were made known.  Also the team of Dick Teed and Phil bested Dick Plouffe who was without his partner Mary, 2 up.  Evidently, retirement changes one’s priorities.  Moving to the “C” Division, the two Dicks, Pais and Kelledy bested the number 1 seed, Dan Crowley and Jeff 1 up.  It seems that Dick Pais has found his golf game while Dan Crowley has found his game is tennis!  In the most exciting match of the night the team of Bob McAuliffe and Chae defeated Dave Moore and Matt Silva on the 10^th hole, prompting Bob to note, “My heart can’t take much more of this!”  Well Bob, Chae’s shoulders can’t carry you much longer either!  In the “D” Division, Jack Collins and JoAnn defeated Tim Collins who was without his partner Marina, 4 & 3. When Jack was asked about his partner’s competitive spirit, he replied “She’s tougher than Sammy!”  International Agents are like that, Jack!  Finally, Joe Kennedy and Theresa continued to stun the golf world by beating Ralphie and Gerry Ouellette 1 up.  Ralph tried to steal the match by calling the seldom used “Placing a crutch on the line of a putt rule”, but luckily Theresa knew that it’s all right in Match Play.  Good Luck to all remaining teams tonight. 

   Despite the ominous forecast, we were able to get in last week’s quarterfinal matches as we continue on to “The Road to Gannon”.  In the “A” Division, the surprising team of George Norton and Woody Howell defeated the team of Bill Neary and Cazoo 3 & 2.  Cazoo, trying to rationalize the loss commented that “At least my steak won’t be cold at Gannon!”  Bill responded with “It couldn’t be any colder than your golf game!”  In the “B” Division, the aching backs of Dick Teed and Phil Langevin held out to beat the team of DiLorenzo and Noonan 1 up.   Danny D. tried to rationalize the loss with, “At least I can catch the season debut of The Fugitive on CBS, Friday October 6th^!"  (The preceding was a paid advertisement for the Columbia Broadcasting System, not to be confused with the Columbia School of Broadcasting).  By the way Dick, Driscoll now wants to come back!  In the “C” Division, the team of Bob McAuliffe and Chae defeated the two Dicks, Pais and Kelledy 2 & 1.  Bob was in his glory on 16 after chipping in to halve the hole.  The reason he was in his glory was he got an extra big hug from Chae.  Dick Kelledy insists he would have played better if only Dick Pais gave him hugs.  Finally, in the “D” Division, the team of Jack Collins and JoAnn Johnson ended the streak of “Terry and the Gimp” beating them 3 & 2.  Unfortunately, Theresa had to leave early to attend a play that evening.  Rumor has it that the play was “Pal Joey”.  Good luck to all remaining teams this week!