WHO ARE THESE GUYS?

                                                                              
    We lost seven members of the League during the off-season and therefore once again, had to go deep into the waiting list.  First we have three returning members, Past President Robin Lambert, back from maternity leave, Sharon Sullivan and Jerry Ouellette.  We would also like to welcome four new members to the League.  Ben DiCenzo joins us this year after deciding to recently take up the game upon retirement.  The same holds true for Bob Donovan.   Dennis Snow, who has just retired has decided to take up work!  Also joining us are Manny Amorin and Tony Gagnon, two new Revenue Agents from the Stoneham Post of Duty.  Both happen to work for our handicapper.  Ask them at the end of the year where they think he is tougher

WHAT’S IN THE BAG?

   Those of you avid golfers probably have watched the “what’s in the bag” segment on the golf channel.  What they do is highlight what clubs a particular pro caries around in their golf bag.  The Editors of Foreplay decided this is an interesting segment and therefore we looked into the bags of certain members of our league.   To our surprise we found that Paul Joyce’s bag contains 300 unused little brown envelopes and 48 uncashed checks from the 1998 season.  Bill Noonan’s bag held a pair of flip flops and a six-pack of Guinness.   Dan Crowley’s bag has a comb, a steam iron and a little guy named Geeves in the side pocket.  In President Dave Hatherley’s bag you will find a whoopee cushion, fake doo-doo, an air horn, three exploding golf balls and a bag of those naked girlie tees.  Finally in Cazoo’s bag you will find a steak and cheese sub, a frozen DiGiorno’s pizza, a toaster oven, a case of day old Twinkies and the Friday buffet table from Aku-Aku.  Partner Mark carries the duck sauce.   

   When he opened the sixth seal, I looked, and behold, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth, the full moon became like blood, and the stars of the sky fell to the earth as the fig tree sheds its winter fruit when shaken by a gale; the sky vanished like a scroll that is rolled up, and every mountain and island was removed from its place ... - Revelation 6:12-14.  The signs are evident.  We have a German Pope.  The Red Sox won the World Series.  Phil Mickelson won a major.  Joe Kennedy shot an 88.  Dave Hatherley was actually remotely funny in a recent e-mail and finally, after 35 years, we have the North Shore Golf League’s first hole-in-one.  Like one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse unleashed, the ball left the 6 iron of none other than Steve Marino, gracefully landed upon the 16^th green and disappeared into the hole.  According to first hand accounts, Steve was left speechless; another sign that the end is near.  The loudest whoop could be heard from partner Jeff Kaplan.  You would think that he was happy for Steve but in reality he was thinking about the mandatory free drink at the end of the round.  Also witnesses to the event were the stunned opponents, Bill Driscoll and Mark Chan.  (If you have any doubts about how stunned they were, take a look at how many points they took last week!)  Mark did the honorable thing and congratulated Steve while Bill unleashed a string of expletives that would make Beelzebub himself blush.  Being a true gentleman, Steve stuck around after golf and insured that everyone, including Bill, received the drink of their choice.  The Editors of Foreplay would like to add our congratulations to Steve while cautioning you that you can be sure Armageddon is upon us if Paul shows up tonight with the money from the hole-in-one pool! 

   Risking more liable and slander from our President in charge of insulting the Editors of “Snoreplay”, we must still remind all members to indicate on the bulletin board whether or not they will be playing next week in the “Mini Tournament”.  The format will be the ever-popular Yaba Daba Do Ball.  There will be a three-dollar entry fee with all proceeds going to the Committee to impeach our President “No Respect for the Game” Hatherley.     

• One group failed to submit their scorecards.  
• Another group turned in cards that were so messed up that it took George Norton three hours and two cigars to reconcile. 
• Barbara needed to leave early but was among the last to go (lost car keys). 
• Danny scurried about looking for his lost wallet (Heat stroke. He forgot that he left it in his car trunk). 
• No one remembered to place the closest to the pin markers
• No one remembered to turn them in either.
• Gerry Ouellette claimed his closest to the pin shot was 1 foot away (“The Shot of My Life”). 
• Gerry was also the guy who needed to lie down & take a nap on the side of the 18^th tee box before finishing up.  By all accounts, he was delirious from the heat (thus ruining his credibility about the one foot away claim).     

It is apparent that our off-season conditioning program needs an overhaul. In the meantime, I feel compelled to take actions to insure the continued health and safety of our members.  Effective immediately we will initiate a Random Power Squat Testing policy.   Anyone failing to meet the minimum number of squats will be required to rent a cart.   If the failure occurs on the day of the league championship, a salad will be substituted for the “Sausage at the Turn”.   

    Congratulations go out to all the victors in last week’s 11^th Annual Club Championship.  The title of Club Champion once again went to Skip Kelley who successfully defended the crown by shooting a 77.  Skip overtook Jim Dwyer in an exciting finish.  Skip also became the first player to win the Club Championship 4 times. Jim’s 80 did give him the Championship Flight low gross.  The Championship Flight low net went to Jim Haker with a 69.  Jim won in a 7-hole playoff by matching cards with Mary Anderson.  In the “A” flight, low gross went to Rick Steere with a blistering 85.  Low net went to Jeff Kaplan, who shot a low net of 66 and won on a two-hole playoff by matching cards with Dick Plouffe. In Flight “B”, Pat Keane, shooting an excellent 88 won the low gross.  He beat Ed Bauer, who also shot an 88, by matching cards.  Ed wasn’t totally shut out however as he won the low net in that flight with a 62.  Actually, they both receive they same prize, so why do we care?  Because the Editors of Foreplay are anal, that’s why!  In Flight “C”, the low gross was captured by none other than Mr. President, Dave, “no respect for the game” Hatherley.  Old Tom Morris must be rolling over in his grave.  Young Tom Demeo isn’t exactly thrilled either!  The most amazing score was the low net turned in by Dick Pelczar with a net 57.  Doesn’t matter how low it is, he still only gets a shirt and balls.  Finally in the “D” flight, low gross went to Robin shooting a 107 while low net with to partner JoAnn with a net 88.  Looks like JoAnn may be another threat come playoff time.  She’s won so many prizes that we will be featuring her on the cover of our fall catalog.       

   Congratulations are in order for our Regular season champions in each of the Divisions.  In the “A” Division, The team of Haker and Norton clung to a tenuous lead and won the division by one half point over Neary and Sahagian.   In the “B” Division, the team of Kaplan and Marcou held on to win by 2 points over the team of Lynch and Wands.  In the ”C” Division, in spite of the protests regarding the scheduling change by young Matt, the team of Pratt and Matt Silva held on to their lead, winning by 1.5 points over Kennedy and Crowley.  Matt was worried that they had to face the juggernaut team of Pelczar and Theresa Gorey.  He had reason to fear considering that Dick and Theresa took the “D” Division by a whopping 14 points. Good luck to all teams in the playoffs tonight. 

On types of golf balls.  “Titleist makes more models than God.” A sleeve made up of three different “models” of Titleists to anyone that can explain what that means

   Last week marked the opening round of the playoffs and with it, new hope for all.  Unfortunately for 12 teams, the dream has ended, realizing once again that another year has passed without being able to call themselves NSGL Champions.  However, we are here to celebrate the winners.  In the A Division, the lefties, Jim Dwyer and Frank McCann, edged the team of Kelley and Beauchain 1 up.  The two Ricks, Stanton and Steere, beat the team of Neary and Sahagian 2&1.  Finally, the team of Casazza and Mark Silva won via a forfeit over the team of Gorey and Pais.  Pais, in an unprecedented display of chivalry gave up his clubs to his wife JoAnn, who forgot hers.   Cazoo has another word for it Dick!  In the B Division, The team of Noonan and Moore defeated the two Dicks, Teed and Plouffe (minus one Dick) 2&1 for the right to play Kaplan and Marino.  (We think the lone Dick threw the match so they wouldn’t have to play Marino!) The team of Bauer and DiLorenzo defeated Charlie Marcou, who was with out his partner Tom Demeo, 5&3.  Also the team of Lynch and Wands defeated Bill Driscoll, who was without his partner Mark Chan, 4&2.  In the C Division, the team of Keane and Snow soundly defeated the team of Kennedy and O’Brien 5&3.  Steve was so upset, he left the next morning for Mexico, and won’t be here tonight.  The team of O’Sullivan and Callahan defeated the team of Majeau and Crowley 2&1.  This sets up this week’s featured match against the team of Joyce and Hatherley who defeated Collins and Kelledy 2 up.  Finally in the D Division, our most exciting match had the team of Brown and O’Brien defeating Phil Langevin, valiantly playing tough without his partner Ben DiCenso.  Lynette was so exhausted that she decided to spend a week in Mexico.   We wonder if she’ll run into Steve down there.  In a match where both players were without partners, Bob Donovan defeated Tony Gagnon, 4&2.  This gives Bob the chance to knock off the champs from two years ago, Lambert and Johnson, who defeated Gerry Ouellette who was playing without partner Theresa 4&2.   

   We are now down to eight teams on the road to the finals.  Last weeks matches we the most exciting in recent memory as four went extra holes.  In the “A Division, the top seeded tam of Haker and Norton defeated the two lefties, Dwyer and McCann 2 up.  That gives them the right to play Cazoo and Mark “the Shark” Silva who defeated the two Ricks, Stanton and Steere on the 1^st playoff hole.  In the “B” Division, the top seeded team of Kaplan and Marino went down rather easily to the tam of Noonan and Moore 3&2.  They will face the team of Lynch and Wands who defeated Bauer and DiLorenzo on the 1^st playoff hole.   In the “C” Division, the team of Snow and Keane seam to be heating up at just the right moment as they defeated Pratt and Matt Silva, 4&2.  They will face off against the winners of the most exciting match of the night, as the team of O’Sullivan and Callahan defeated Joyce and Hatherley on the fourth playoff hole.  We are all eagerly awaiting Dave’s e-mail describing he match hole by hole.  Finally in the “D” Division, the top seeded team of Pelczar and Gorey marched on defeating Roger Brown who was without his partner Lynette 3&2.  They will face the heavily favored team of Lambert and Johnson who were pushed to the limit by a partnerless Bob Donovan who took them to an extra hole before bowing out.  After tonight’s matches, we will draw to see which Division will face off against each next week in the semi-finals.  Everyone play well!