LIKE DENNIS’S WAISTLINE, OUR LEAGUE IS EXPANDING!

                                                                               
    The North Shore Golf League has become so popular that rather than turning away members, we decided to expand our ranks to 56 golfers.  Three former members have returned.  Jerry O’Sullivan and the Silva boys are now back in the league.  In addition we would like to welcome seven new members.  Leo Gauthier, Ken Clark, Bob Majeau, Dave Butka, Sharon Sullivan, Lynette Richards and last but not least, Roger Brown will be teeing it up with us this year. 

BO KNOWS DIDDLY

    Last year this publication chastised Mary Anderson for forgetting to place the closest to the pin markers on the green when her group was the first one out.  This year we had the opposite problem, as the last group on the back forgot to bring the markers in last week.  The problem is whom do we blame?  It would be easy to blame Matt Silva, he took a year off and had no way of knowing that we now have this contest each week.  Likewise for Dave Butka who is new to the League and being from CI is lucky to find the golf course never mind remembering the closest to the pin markers.  That places the blame entirely on the third member of the group, Bo Lynch, a past President and normally a stickler for details such as this.  We can only surmise that he was so excited about having Matt as a partner this year that in his exuberance to take as many points as possible, it simply slipped his mind.  Of course it may just be that although "Bo knows golf" he apparently doesn't know his ass from his elbow.  We feel the latter may be true since his manager and mentor just happens to be Bill Noonan.    

BUELLER? BUELLER? BUELLER?

                                                                              
    The League and especially the handicapper would like to thank George Norton for stepping up and assisting this year by checking and spotting the scorecards.  To help George out, everyone should make sure that you timely submit both the individual and team cards and also to make sure both cards match hole by hole.  If a golfer is absent, mark N/S, standing for no-show, in the block where you would normally input the final score.

   Last week, Bill Driscoll, realizing that he was playing against the Editors of Foreplay was taking extra precautions to do nothing that could be remotely misconstrued as being a violation of the rules of golf, etiquette God, or man.   Unfortunately on the second tee, Danny D. happened to notice that he was carrying 15 clubs in his bag.  Bill quickly rectified his error by placing his 4 iron in Danny's bag.  The officers were going to take back the windbreaker that Bill won last year, but since he did wear it once, Goodwill won't even take it now.  

   By now everyone has heard about the Granite State's loss of the "Old Man of the Mountain", New Hampshire's State icon.  Out of respect to our members from north of the border, the NSGL is conducting an exhaustive search for a new symbol for that Great State.  Some of the leading candidates are, the "Old Bastard at the Trailer Park, the "Old Pervert Outside the Coed Dorms at Dartmouth" and the "Old Coot who Married his Granddaughter".  Unfortunately none of these are very unusual in New Hampshire so we are going with the "Old Man with all his Teeth". 

WHO’S ON FIRST

                                                                              
    Though the Editors of FOREPLAY dislike chastising any members of the League, although we do revel in humiliating them, we have to bring out a recurring problem we seem to have every year.  The concern involves the order on the tee.  To refresh the minds of our veteran players and inform our new members, the order on the tee depends on when the entire foursome is present ON THE TEE.  This doesn’t mean when one player is in the parking lot and the other is on Route 93.  This is known as the Casazza rule, for no particular reason. 

LAST WEEK’S PRIZES:

Whatever you can get out of Paul's trunk. 

WHAT COMPETANCIES DO I NEED FOR THIS POSITION?

                                                                              
    In case you haven’t heard as yet, Charlie Beauchain has recently announced his retirement, from the Service, not the League.  This does not bode well for the rest of the “B” Division, as historically, once a member retires, their golf scores tend to plummet.  Many of the elder members of the League know that Charlie has over the years, greatly improved upon his golf game.  To prove this point, a look at the League records show that in 1988 Charlie had a 21 handicap for 9 holes.  He now holds that for 18 holes.  Further investigation shows that this was about the time that Joe Kennedy began kissing Charlie’s butt!  Now that Charlie is retiring, Joe will need the find someone new to boot lick.  So if your looking to lower your handicap, you can apply to be Joe’s new Godfather.  Since Jerry Lucente doesn’t golf, the position is wide open.  Only Territory Managers and above need apply for the position, which will be posted on the COL next week.   

   Last week Roger Brown won the closest to the pin on the 4^th hole.  Though apparently the ball was 43 feet from the hole, 43 inches was written on the marker.  As Cazoo was trying to demonstrate the difference with the tape measure, Roger rebuked him with “Splitting hairs.”

IF YOU’RE NOT HERE, DON’T READ THIS

   This is a reminder that there will be no League golf next week due to the Annual ANSC clambake.  This year, Cazoo has decided to end his boycott of the tournament and has decided to play.  This is bad news for Paul Joyce who historically has left the tournament with a plate full of left over steak and lobsters to feed his family for the next week.  Of course with Cazoo there, there will be no leftovers and Paul will have to visit the Hilltop Butcher shop on Saturday.  League dues will be increased accordingly next year.

   Why is it that we have given out golf umbrellas as prizes over the last hundred years yet Matt Silva opens up a “totes” umbrella when it rains? 

Beats me

   Forget his wife’s birthday, it could happen.  Forget his own birthday, he probably would like to.  Forget an audit appointment, hey everyone has done it.  Forget a workload review with his manager Bill Driscoll, it’s probably intentional.  Forget a golf match?  We all thought it would never happen.  Well it did.  A couple of weeks ago, as the other members of his foursome patiently waited (except for Cazoo), Jimmy Dwyer actually forgot about the Wachusett tournament.  Hang ‘em up Jimmy, Shady Pines retirement home can’t be too far off.

   Francis Ouimet, John Daly, Ben Curtis, Errol Eddy.  Now we can add the name of Woody Howell to surprising upsets in prestigious tournaments.   That’s right.  In last week’s Club Championship, Woody shot the round of his life, a 74, to become our Club Champion for this year.  After the round, Woody announced he would be taking some time off to spend with his family and prepare for the onslaught of publicity that is sure to follow.  Cazoo, who played in his foursome, is demanding a caddy’s cut.   Three-time Club Champion Bill Neary took the low gross in the Championship flight with a respectable 77.  The low net in that flight went to none other than “Radio Wave” Sam Sahagian who shot a net 63.  In the “A” flight, Jim Haker took the low gross by shooting an 85.  That left the net up for grabs and Mary Anderson stepped forward with a net 63.  In the “B” flight, Danny D., who shot a 90, won the low gross in a close race.  The low net went to Ralph Callahan shooting a net 66, a feat made more impressive by the fact that he played with both P.J. and O’Sullivan!  In the “C” flight, Mike Pratt stepped up to win the low gross with an even 100.  None other than “Poncho” Steve Marino who shot a net 65 snagged the low net.  Congratulations to all the winners!

HAIL TO THE VICTORS!  

   Tonight we begin the real season, otherwise know as the playoffs, with the preliminary rounds.  First we would like to congratulate the winners of the regular season races.  In the A Division, the team of Bill Neary and Rick Stanton won by 2 points over the team Rick Steere and Mark Silva.  In the B Division, the team of Mary Anderson and Danny DiLorenzo won going away 13.5 points ahead of their nearest competitors.  In the C Division, the team of Bo Lynch and Matt Silva squeaked out a win over the team of Ralph Callahan and Jerry O’Sullivan, even though a bee stung Bo during the round.  Beekeeper Jerry denies any responsibility for the unfortunate event.  Finally in the D Division, the team of Chuck Blackmore and Christine Fernald held off a late season charge over second place finishers, Robin Lambert and Joann Johnson.  All the champions will be richly rewarded at the year end banquet.  Finally good luck to all teams in the playoffs tonight.

   In the past this newsletter has extolled the abilities of Bo Lynch with our “Bo Knows” feature.  Apparently, what Bo doesn’t know is when to duck.  Last week, Bo was hit on the noggin by a ball hit by the group behind him (not one of us, of course).  Fortunately Bo was unaffected, or so it seemed.  After the round Bo went walking off to put his clubs in the cars, only to realize he had walked to the wrong end of the parking lot.  As he walked back, Chuck Blackmore, who had been playing with him, inquired about his state of mind.   Bo, a bit put off said, “For the last time Christine, I’m all right

THE ELITE EIGHT  

   We are now down to eight teams on “The Road Home”.  In the “A” Division, the team of Neary and Stanton defeated Casazza and Howell 1 up.   When asked about the outcome, Cazoo merely uttered, “Woody’s fault!”  In what turned out to be a rout, the team of Haker and Norton defeated Bob Gorey and Sahagian 5&3, despite Sammy shooting a 38.  Sam noted “We didn’t lose, we just ran out of holes!”  In the “B” Division, the team of Anderson and DiLorenzo defeated Beauchain and Snow 3 & 2.  Dennis, who switched to the red eye from the West Coast noted, “That was the biggest waste of $50.00 I ever spent!”  In the other Division match, the team of Teed and Wands squeaked by Driscoll and Noonan 1 up.  Driscoll used every trick in his bag including “The hidden ball trick” on the 7^th hole.  In case you’re wondering, this is when your ball mysteriously appears four feet from the hole as you are walking across the green.  In the “C” division, Bo Lynch and Matt Silva defeated our defending champs Kaplan and Kelledy 2 up.  Matt closed out the match on the last hole with a three wood to within 8 feet from 80 yards off the green.   Ralph Callahan and Jerry O’Sullivan also defeated the team of Crowley and Kennedy 2 up.  The entire “C” Division groaned realizing that Joe is now a possible partner for next year.  In the “D” Division, the team of Ouellette and Richards defeated Blackmore and Fernald, 2 & 1.  This was even more impressive since it was really 2 ½ against 2.  Finally, in the most exciting match, the team of Madam President and JoAnn Johnson defeated Pratt and Marino on the 1^st playoff hole.  It was the first time this year that Steve was left speechless.  Good luck to all eight teams tonight. 

THE FINAL FORE!